we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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