i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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