i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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