Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
