i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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