First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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