Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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