Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You ruined the universe
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
