I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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