i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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