Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
