Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
