I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
