you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
