Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
