Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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