it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
