My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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