Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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