i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
