she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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