I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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