We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
