when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
