I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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