he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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