I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
