Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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