I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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