I feel great
I just peed on a car
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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