I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
