and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
