I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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