I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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