Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
