I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
