I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
