Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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