he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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