i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
