i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
