can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
