The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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