I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
