I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
