I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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