i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
