I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
