Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and she was petting her beer can
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
