How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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